Day 366: A year and a day

…To be honest, I’m not entirely sure if that up there is the correct day count. I…really have no clue. Anyway, on with the blog entry!

For those of you still reading whether on accident or via email subscription or otherwise, it has been a year and a day since I have started on this journey to self discovery. Personally, I don’t know if I want to aim this blog in the sense of an ending or the sense of a beginning. I guess it’s a little bit of both.

In the year and a day, I have learned a lot about myself. Good things and bad things. I’ve experienced a huge spectrum of what life could bring you. Ultimately, the first few months are rocky and yeah, I’ll give and say that there are a few moments when I do wonder or feel “lonely” even now. The most important thing I have gotten from all this? The most important lesson?

It’s hard to be yourself. It’s hard to learn and accept the bad alongside the good about yourself. It’s hard to be true to yourself and stick to being true to yourself when you’re in a world that sort of demands that you conform to others. While it can cause short term angst, it benefits you in the long term. This is who you are, stand for it. A wise woman once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” And it’s true. If that person belittles you or makes you feel inferior, why would you have them in your life? Be proud of who you are.

You can always say “I’m gonna do this some day” or “I’m gonna do that some day.” Why wait for some day? Plan it out. Do it when you can. I say this because I have the means to do so. But not everything is the means. It could be something simple. I.E. I have always wanted to publish/write a book. I have one out. Granted, it’s self publishing but it’s still something. I’m already in the works for two more or so. Need to edit those.

I have made leaps and bounds in learning about who I am and I feel happy. I feel happy without the dependence on other people. And that’s hard to do. It’s very hard to do. And I’m still learning how to deal with that. Not all of the problems are solved, not all of the issues have been confronted. But that’s okay. I’m just beginning.

The world is my oyster at this point in time. I feel far stronger than I have ever been. And it’s an amazing feeling of accomplishment. In fact, I have been dabbling in dating again. Whether or not it works is something to be seen. But I know I have a wonderful support system if it doesn’t work. I know that I’m still loved and I know I’m still a good person. I may make mistakes and put my foot in my mouth sometimes but I am a good person.

Whether or not I will be continuing this blog is something left to be seen. I have been debating whether or not to start up a vlog series as well. Or start blogging about more relevant things like…books…movies…anything else, really. I have an opinion and I’m gonna voice it. Let me tell you, it feels SO nice to be able to write/say that.

Day 350: Stretching and finding centers

A live update from London!

Well, I have spent the past almost two weeks travelling around this part of the world with two friends. Not only have I been doing the usual tourist things, the long drives sort of have given me a lot of time to finally look back on the events of this past year.

A lot has changed, that much is obvious. And I have grown quite a bit as a person. Not to say I won’t stop growing or learning but I have learned and grown quite a bit in the past year. And I do believe I have built enough of a solid foundation to really start putting myself out there again.

True, due to past experiences, I would be considered more cautious than most. But it doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want to try. I do. And I feel that it’s a good time to start doing so.

Even in the case that I wouldn’t “find” anyone, it’s all right.

This trip has also taught me the comfort and security of my own friends. Being surrounded by good (and I do mean VERY good) friends more than makes up the lack of “companionship” that one would find in a significant other. And with the current support system I have, I don’t think it’s necessary to join the so called rat race. There’s a deep understanding with them that I don’t think or know if I will find with one other person.

It may be a very glass half empty sort of view but I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. And that’s the important part. That I have learned and accepted and am practicing standing on my own two feet and recognizing what I want and/or need.

Day 337: Deep Breath

Last year, I made the decision that I will go to the UK this year. I’ve talked about it, stressed about it, and planned with my friends.

And it will finally be here. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am leaving to get on that trip that will be the culmination of this entire sabbatical.

I must say that this journey has been a whirlwind. There’s a lot I have learned about myself and a lot I have learned about others.

In about 30 days, it’ll have been a year and a day since I’ve started this blog. I was in a different state of mind then: eternally lost, not having a single clue of what to do at all, waffling about whether or not I made the right decision, not knowing exactly why it happened in the first place. But in the months following that, I have learned how to stand on my own two feet again. Pick up whatever pieces there are and construct a whole new person. Maybe not entirely whole. There’s still some parts of me that have never changed. There’s still many many lessons to learn out there. And really, this is a step in the right direction.

I know it sounds so very id or self indulgent to say that this is necessary. But coming from a background where I would need to change myself to fit to the standards of others and doing everything for others, this is a huge step forward. I feel better about myself. I like who I am. I like who I am becoming. And that says a quite a bit.

And, perhaps when I return, there would be another new chapter to be written in my own book. But, dear readers, you would need to wait and see about that one.

Day 316:

When I started this project, I intended to chronicle each and every day of my progress going from someone who was in a very intense relationship to someone with no significant other crutch at all. However, I feel that the more I grow as a person (or reclaim parts of my real self), I update less and less. Now, I’m approaching the home stretch. There’s about 50 days left to this year and a day project. In the last few entries/months, it’s become difficult to count the days. I literally need to look back and count the days from my last entry. And there has been a LOT that’s happened in the past year alone.

Tsunamis, earthquakes, tornadoes, the end of the world. Oh wait, that last one didn’t happen. Oops! Lessons, both hard and easy, have been learned. Friendships gained and lost. The world turns and we’re all a speck on this planet. I was directed to an article recently about 5 deathbed confessions. Most of them were that they didn’t lead the life they wanted to, do the things they wanted to do, regret things they should have done. It makes me wonder: I am currently living a very id driven life. I act upon my desires. (Someone feel free to correct me on this, I haven’t take an psychology course.) If I can’t, I find means to do so. Is this a way to live? Some parties say yes, others no. My personal belief is that I need to dedicate this whole time to me. To actually be selfish for once as I’ve seem to have lost myself in the process of growing up. And I happen to think that that is far more important than anything else right now. In the process, I can learn to do other things. Perhaps I’ll change my mind one day and say: Oh, maybe I do want kids. Or that I want to get married. But…I want to do it on my own terms now.

I have an idea of what I want and who I am. There’s a lot to it. There’s many masks and layers for any normal person to get through. I could so very easily slip into the mental state of ‘I’m a special snowflake, no one else is like me’ but that would just lead myself down a road I really don’t want to take. Yes, I am an individual. But no, I am not that different than anyone else. Most compliments I’ve gotten for this blog have been ‘Yeah, that is EXACTLY how I feel.’ Or that someone has gone through something very similar. I’m not that special. I’m just like the others who have gone through the same process. But instead of internalizing what I’m going through, I’m writing it down and showing it to the world.

Which, in itself, is something new and different. I’ve tried to omit as much personal detail from this blog as possible. But I found that narrating it from an anonymous point of view makes it easier to analyze and really look at what is going on. It’s therapeutic.

Day 297: To love what you do

I had one person that I greatly admired as I was growing up. However, I don’t think she and I were cut of the same cloth. She was someone I looked to when trying to find the middle ground or a way of understanding how to move between two worlds: that of my parents’ ideals and that of my developing sense of independence. I greatly admire my parents too, I won’t lie. It takes a lot to hold onto your ideals in a foreign place and come out of it relatively unscathed and still keep yourself in good spirits. So, in the end, I admire fastidiousness.

All of my life, I have been told by various teachers, employers, friends, and tv personalities, and after school specials, that I should love what I do and live the life I want. And for the longest time, I have gotten the message of I must live a life where I am successful and in a career that can provide for my family. A career that can support myself in the case I find myself without a husband (but this idea was quickly laughed off because ‘Oh how silly, of course you’ll have a husband!’). And so that lead me down a slippery slope of trying to decide whose words are right. For the longest time, I preached to others that happiness is finding and settling down and with little ones running around. To find the one you love and live happily ever after. I was genuinely convinced that this formula was the only formula for anyone to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Then I met my seventh grade teacher. She was a vivacious woman with a genuine need to teach and open creative portals in others. She taught using methods I had never encountered before. And it goes without saying that she is the person I attribute to opening up my love for the written word. I might even go as far as saying she is someone I would like to model my life like. More on that later. She was the one who got us to keep writer notebooks and gave us different prompts to write about, often encouraging us to write more than the requirement. She also taught history, giving us creative, interactive projects.

What I remember most about her is that she always spoke about going to Japan. She had never been there. But she loved collecting Japanese related things and learned how to speak Japanese. I should note that she is of Canadian descent….I think. She is not of Japanese descent. I bought her lucky bamboo once. She was happy with that. Manga scans, happy with that. She also encouraged me to write more and more and to develop my talents. Course, in the end, I don’t think I’ll ever know if she said that to everyone. By the end of the eighth grade, I had to say goodbye to her because, well, I was on my way to high school. That was when I got the news that she had applied to teach in Japan. She was living her dream.

We both left the school and headed off on our merry ways. Clearly, I was off to finish my school career and become an adult. She headed off to teach in places unknown. In recent years, we caught up again. She had climbed Mt. Fuji, taught in rural Guatemalan villages, taught in Korea, hiked all over the world, taken breathtaking pictures all over central America. When I caught up with her, she looked and felt so serene. She was a completely different sort of happy. But she had none of the qualities that I had been championing as keys to happiness.

And I had not realized it until today. Something about our brief meeting and catching up didn’t sit with me at the time. It confused me, if anything. Here was someone that didn’t have a partner of some sort or children and yet she seemed to be the happiest person on earth. Exhausted but fulfilled. After lengthy talks with some close friends last night, and another “You need to get a real job after this trip of yours” talk from my parents, the conclusion, though shocking, was clear: My goals in life are to write and see the world. My job currently allows me that. And yes, I may not make enough to move out on my own but at the same time, I have the time and the means to do the things I’ve wanted. To support the id.

Of course, there will always be the argument of ‘This won’t bode well later on when you decide to start a family.’ I am still at the stage in my life of deciding if I want a family. I understand that this is a feeling that is felt across the board with many of those in their early to mid twenties. The answer ranges from a loud, resounding YES to emphatic NO. We can’t stay young forever. And I am going to give myself time. My mother didn’t have me until she was in her thirties. And I’ve got a ways to go before I get there.

But until then, I want to live my life in a way that is fulfilling to me. It may sound selfish but in the end, aren’t we all a bit selfish? This is ultimately my life and I wish to love it as much as I can by doing the things I love, being with people I love, and living in a way that I love.

So thank you, seventh grade teacher. You’ve taught me far more than either of us can ever imagine.

Day 284: Moving forward, moving backward

There are always going to moments where you don’t really want to move forward. There will always be moments, no matter how far you go, where you want to look back. Where you want to text them or call them and wonder: Hey, um…so how’s it going? Those moments start off frequent with you staring at their name or looking up their name on facebook or twitter or whatever. You need to physically restrain yourself from doing anything. Or say anything.

Then you take up hobbies. You spend more time with friends. You learn how to live again. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is something I have been striving for this entire time. It’s uncorking that person within. Asking and answering the question of who am I? And, as you may or may not have seen upon the pages before you on this blog, I have come quite a long way from where I have started.

For the longest time, I would waffle on whether or not it was a good decision to take a sabbatical. The chant went something along the lines of: Oh but he’s a good guy, maybe I’m being spoiled, maybe I’m just being a brat about things, maybe I should go back, I think I’m being silly. But there would be a certain point where I was just stand there and not make the final step into going back. Something that kept me. I had to see this through. I said I wanted to stand on my own two feet and I need to follow through with that. Otherwise, what will I say twenty years down the line? That still didn’t mean I wondered often of what would’ve happened if I didn’t take the time to know myself. And really, that’s the hardest part about everything. I guess that would be the hardest part about anything: just swimming into new territory without running back to something that’s too familiar. That’s when you feel like it’s a step backwards. Sometimes, it even gets to the point where you just shake your head and wonder if you’ve really gone as far as you think you have.

Keeping a blog or journal is a pretty good way of showing yourself that you have. Similar to dieting journals, you chronicle what you have done, no matter how big or small between when you started the journey to now. It’s a great way of looking back and rebuilding that confidence, that drive, that want to keep moving forward.

There was a point last week where I looked at my decision and, for the first time, believed (honestly and truly) that it was the right decision. No waffling or pros/cons list needed. That is a milestone. It’s a huge milestone. When I first started, there are those who have told me that this milestone would be reached with this formula: 1 month per year of the relationship. That formula is wrong. It depends entirely on the person and what sort of experiences they go through. It could take a few months. It could take years. Does it matter? What matters is that they get to that point. And I’m happy to announce that I’ve finally reached that point.

Day 257: Lessons you continue learning

It has been noted that there are quite a few adults who have decided to stop learning once they’ve reached adulthood.

No offense to those people, but I’ve got the feeling that many “feel” that they stop learning when they’re about 15 or 16. Let’s visit your childhood, shall we?

At 15 or 16, we have declared ourselves to be rebels and try to show off our budding individuality in our own little ways. It is also decided that, at this age, we know everything and that adults couldn’t care less and just don’t understand. And then we constantly learn lessons for the rest of our time as teenagers.

When we get to college or after high school, we still think we know it all and try to prove that to the world. Once again, we’re proven we’re wrong. And by the time we’ve graduated college?

Got married?

Have kids?

Man, do we think we know it all. Because we have done everything under the sun.

And yet, really, we never stop learning. Be it an actual skill or just life lessons that happen.

Sometimes, it’s learning that nothing is like what it used to be. Sometimes, it’s the harder lessons of what you thought really isn’t what you thought. Other times, it’s the harder lessons of letting go of a loved one. Or sometimes, it’s something you learned about yourself.

So I urge you, reader, to never stop being receptive to learning. Even when it feels like you’ve already learned enough and that it is just about time to stop learning. Life, sometimes, will surprise you. The human experience is just that…an experience. Which means we will always face lessons, no matter what. And they won’t always be in a classroom.